


Relationship Retrospect

by ImSoSupernova



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Emetophobia, F/F, Female Friendship, Past Relationship(s), deep discussions, that steadily gets gayer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 06:31:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10237961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImSoSupernova/pseuds/ImSoSupernova
Summary: Noora and Eva talk about their past relationships





	

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to the amazing Lise (@evalienmohn) for being my beta and also otherwise incredible <3 <3

People never realize how much strength it took for her to let go.

Noora sees this every time she tells someone the news: _Yes, we broke up. No, it’s not temporary. No, I broke up with him. No, I don’t regret it._

The last two always seem to confuse them. They can never just leave without asking _why_. In their mind, William is still the golden boy--the most attractive, popular guy in school. He was the head of the Penetrators, who had the coolest, wildest parties. Who wouldn’t want to date him? Who could choose to leave him?

The more she has these conversations, the more she begins doubting her decision, and the more she catches herself doing so, the angrier she gets. Angry at these people who think they know everything about her from her relationship with William, who think they know exactly what her life is like, who completely miss and prove her point: that she’s only defined by her relationship with William.

It gets to the point where Noora wants to scream at everyone who asks her about it: _why the hell does it matter to you why do you care so much about our relationship it wasn’t you how DARE you think you can judge me for my decision how DARE you act like YOU would know what would have been best how DARE you think you could know ANYTHING about what it was like AT ALL?_

But she never does. Instead she just stands there smiling tightly and politely and trying to escape as soon as possible and run off to the nearest bathroom or empty hallway to close her eyes and just try to remember how to breathe.

And that becomes her life: putting on a brave face for her friends, pretending to be calm and composed and unbroken by the whole ordeal and, pretending that she doesn’t get sick when he texts her, pretending she’s gotten a good night’s sleep every night since she moved to London. Pretending that William didn’t royally fuck her up, and that everything's a-okay. Pretending, pretending, pretending.

It seems to work. Almost everyone is fooled. Almost.

*

One day, she breaks.

It’s been almost two months since she came back, and things have begun to die down a little. Word has gotten around, and people have stopped pulling her aside at parties to ask her about what happened. Some people still whisper when she walks by, but for the most part they’ve gotten used to single Noora, and she’s finally been able to breathe again.

Then one night she’s at a party with the rest of the bus, waiting for an open bathroom with Eva. It’s so loud they have to yell to talk to each other, but that doesn’t stop Noora from overhearing a conversation between two second-year girls standing around the corner.

“Do you believe it?” one asks.

“Huh?” her friend yells back.

“Believe her story!”

Noora stiffens up slightly, but she forces herself to relax and take a few deep breaths. They could be talking about anyone, it’s probably not her…

“Nah,” the other girl laughs. “I mean, she’s pretty, but--nah. I don’t think she dumped him.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” the first girl exclaims. “I think he probably dumped her, and she doesn’t want to admit it.”

“I mean, I get _that_ ,” her friend says. “Leaving your boyfriend in London and returning home with your head held high sounds like a more ‘girl power’ thing than ‘he dumped me so I had to come back’, you know? After all, she’s sorta known as ‘The Feminist’, remember?”

“Yeah, she probably doesn’t wanna mess up _that_ image.” Laughter.

Noora’s heard enough. Probably too much. And suddenly she’s got that ringing in her ears and a tightness in her throat and churning in her stomach and the music's too loud and there are too many people around her and too much laughter and drinking and flashing lights and she starts walking as fast as she can, pushing past the girls who were just talking about her and heading toward the nearest door she sees and she just needs to _get out_ and she bursts outside just in time for her to get sick in the garden.

Afterwards she sits on the front stoop with tears running down her cheeks and shivers in the cold, not knowing where to go. Cursing William and then herself for getting sucked in and stuck on him, for letting him get so deep inside her head that he was the only thing that mattered--

“Noora?” It’s Eva. “Are you okay?” she asks.

Noora opens her mouth to answer, but the words catch in her throat. She shakes her head.

“What happened?” Eva presses gently.

“I…” Noora can’t think of a good way to answer. _William and I moved to London...I started dating William...He started flirting with me...I moved back to Norway from Madrid…_ Where does she even begin?

“I’m just--I’m just sick of talking about it. Of hearing about it,” she whispers.

Eva nods silently. “Is this about those second-year girls?” she asks.

Noora nods.

“And what happened between you and William?” she continues.

Noora nods again.

“Noora…” Eva isn’t quite sure what to say. “Noora--tell me. What exactly--what happened in London?”

Her words echo in Noora’s ears for a few seconds as she forces herself to take deep breaths and closes her eyes.

“It wasn’t just London.”

The words slip out before Noora is fully aware that she’s said them, but once they’re out, she can’t stop.

“I should have realized it before London. God. I should have realized it right from the start.”

“Realized what?” Eva whispers gently.

Noora turns and looks her straight in the eyes for the first time. “That he was taking over my life: my mind, my thoughts, everything.”

Eva says nothing, just waits for Noora to continue.

“I knew he liked me. That was obvious. And I didn’t like him at first. I mean, Vilde was obsessed with them and then he treated her like shit, and I told myself that nothing could ever happen between us after that but then–well, I realized I liked it. Not him--I still thought he was an asshole--but I liked the attention.

“I mean,” Noora laughs softly, “he was the most popular guy at the school. He could have had any girl, pretty much. But he wanted me. And after years of hating myself and thinking I wasn’t good enough--well, I guess it was kind of addictive. But I thought I had control. I could enjoy his compliments and flirting and not get attached. I didn’t _need_ him.”

Eva nods.

Noora keeps talking, everything spilling out of her at once as if she’s finally broken through a mental dam, all her emotions flowing free.

“I guess--I think the first time I sort of realized I was losing it was at that fundraiser party. The one that was raising money for the Penetrators and the refugees, remember that one? And there was that damn auction where a girl could bid to make out with William and--God, just thinking about it made me feel sick. Thinking about William doing anything with anyone who wasn’t me, and him starting to like her more than he liked me, and him no longer paying attention to me, I couldn’t take it. I panicked. And then we kissed, and he didn’t make out with anyone else, and it was great. For the most part. But every once in awhile we’d have a disagreement, and I’d feel like I had to, like, create a complex argument with bullet points and counters to prove my point. Like, I had to prove to him why my opinion on an issue should be valid. And he just really seemed to love arguing. But they didn’t just feel like arguments. They felt like tests. And then the thing with Nico happened, and I was so scared of losing William because of it. And when I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat because I was afraid I’d had sex with Nico and of how much it would hurt William, and I remember thinking, _this is love, isn’t it?_ I was terrified of him leaving me, and hating me, and I thought that was love. I guess that’s the perfect way to sum up our relationship: I thought fear and love felt the same.”

Noora reaches up to wipe her nose, tears silently sliding down her face. Eva pulls a tissue out of her pocket and hands it to her. Noora takes it gratefully, almost smiling, and blows her nose, then continues.

“I thought when we went to London things would be better. We’d be away from Nico and the Yakuza boys and everyone who made him angry and violent. And he’d _chosen_ me, _he wanted_ me to be with him. He loved me. And then we got there and we moved in, and he started working and never being around and I was just alone almost all the time. And then his dad started coming around and suddenly everything was about how to please him the most. And I got pushed to the sidelines. And I started feeling that anxiety again, and was afraid of losing him, but also knowing that I was losing him and there was nothing I could do about it, and finally I realized...he was everything, you know? I felt like I didn’t exist without him. I needed his approval to tell me that I was worth something. And it took me a while to admit it, but that’s not healthy. That’s not what a relationship should feel like. And I guess I just got tired of feeling like I needed to prove myself to him, over and over again.” Noora takes another deep breath. “Ending it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I saw where I was now, and where I wanted to be when I’d first moved back to Norway, and I knew that I couldn’t be both those people at the same time. If I wanted to be someone I could be proud of, I had to let go. And in the end--I did.”

At some point during the story Eva had draped a sweater around Noora’s shoulders. Noora pulls it close now, trying to cling to the warmth.

“But it’s not like I can just tell everyone that,” Noora continues. “I mean, they don’t want to hear it and they don’t need to hear it. But I hate hearing-- _knowing_ people are judging me for it, and knowing they don’t know the whole story, but they’re telling their own versions of it anyway. I mean--what the fuck, you know? Why do people feel like they have the right to take other people’s stories and make them their own? What makes them think they could know _anything_ about what happened--about who I am--about what I’ve been through?”

They’ve somehow moved closer together throughout Noora’s story, and now Eva wraps her arms around her. Noora leans into her, embracing the warmth of her body.

“Anyway, that’s what’s wrong,” she finishes lamely.

For a moment Eva doesn’t say anything, just pulls Noora closer to her. Then she starts talking, quietly.

“When I broke up with Jonas, I spent weeks wondering if I’d done the right thing.”

Noora raises her head, looking Eva in the eye.

“For a lot of reasons,” Eva continues, reaching up to stroke Noora’s hair. “Because I still liked him, because of the whole going down on a 3rd-year girl thing, because the fucking Ouija board said he still liked me. But you know what stopped me?”

Noora shrugs.

“Just remembering how much I hated myself when I was with him. Because of what happened with Ingrid, and Isak and everything. And I never wanted to go back to it. Eventually, I just had to let go. I knew it was the only way I’d be happy.

“You did the right thing, Noora,” she continues, brushing Noora’s hair out of her face. “And some day, you’re gonna look back and see how strong you were for leaving, and how much happier you are for it. And until that day, it’s probably gonna be hard. You’re gonna doubt yourself again, many times, but you have to stick with it. And I promise you, Noora, that I’ll be there for you all the way. The Thelma to your Louise.”

Noora laughs a little. “Sounds good. But no driving off a cliff, okay?”

“Yeah, alright.” Eva’s just glad to see Noora smiling again. Noora sits up straighter and pulls Eva in tight. “Thank you--for everything,” she whispers.

“Of course,” Eva responds, hugging her back.

They stay like that for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s warmth.

And finally, Noora feels like she can truly breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up being both parts a fanfic and a catharsis for me. This was really important for me to write. A lot of the descriptions of Noora's emotions are based in part on my personal experiences, and that is because Noora and William's relationship reminds me a lot of personal experiences. I really enjoyed exploring how Noora and Eva's relationship could develop based on these shared experiences, and I hope that the show's writers also choose to develop their relationship more in future seasons.


End file.
